Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.