what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
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Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.