It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
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My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
New tinder profile pic
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor