“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
When someone says you are so lazy
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you