My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If you know, you know
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes