[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
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I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Those are good neighbors.