Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!