Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
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At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
we’re dead?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building