BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
You Might Also Like
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.