“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Check out the legs on this baby
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???