Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I’m not proud
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.