taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?