SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted