It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
You Might Also Like
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap