Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.