My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
You Might Also Like
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”