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*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…