Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
You Might Also Like
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
based al yankovic
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.