When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You Might Also Like
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
🤣😈🤣
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?