My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.