Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.