“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
im all 3
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
i actually laughed 😩