My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.