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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Trumpy Cat
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.