Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
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instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: