“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
You Might Also Like
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
All is fair in drunk and war.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
This a good idea
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}