I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”