My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.