Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these