Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
mood