When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
gentlemen, hear me out
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene