I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
You Might Also Like
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’