My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.