My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You Might Also Like
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with