Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour