best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.