Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
You Might Also Like
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Holy shit he’s back
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.