I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
You Might Also Like
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.