*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Well, this explains it:
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
When you can’t find your friend Neil
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.