AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.