thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying