For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Mountain Goat : )
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song