[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.