Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
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[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC