A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
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Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments