A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.