My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
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Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?