Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[eats all your cotton candy]
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”