“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists