[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
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“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I’m sure it’s fine.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following