It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
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Me: Same
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.